Saturday, May 23, 2009

All alone....

I have decided that the communal bathrooms in college are just preparing you for when you have children - you never are in the facilities alone.

It could just be more of a 'Mom thing'. I know men have those unwritten 9well, what do you know - they are written somewhere so I guess unspoken is a more appropriate title) urinal rules (see below).

Here is a short list of the Unspoken Rules for Urinal Etiquette. (taken from this site after googling)

1. No Talking
This is the most important rule of urinal etiquette! There is no talking allowed. EVER! No exceptions!

2. Always leave a buffer urinal
Unless it is absolutely necessary, do NOT ever pick an empty urinal that is located directly next to an occupied urinal. Seriously. If there are five urinals, take the one that is furthest away from me. Why would you publicly park your penis right next to mine? This may result in a very uncomfortable awkwardness that resonates between you and your temporary urinal neighbor.

3. Look straight Ahead!
Count the tiles. Read the advertising. Mentally calculate your tab. Think of an ice-breaker for the girl you’re not going to even try to pick up. I don’t care what you do…. Just look straight ahead. Not up or down, or anywhere around…. Straight ahead! You don’t want people getting the wrong idea.

4. Posture & Position Is Very Important
Stand up straight. Don’t stand too far back from the urinal. And don’t lean back either. Nobody wants to see a side view of you holding your junk. On the same accord, nobody wants to see a stream coming from your genital-area. Get in close, and get down to business.

5. Don’t Waste Time
Get in. Get out. Especially if there is a line of people waiting to use the urinal.

6. Never Make Direct Eye Contact
Making direct eye contact with another man standing at the urinal is never a wise idea. Nothing good can come out of direct eye contact. Either a severe beatdown or unwanted sexual contact are the most likely consequences for making direct eye contact with another man, while he is comfortably urinating in public.

7. Making Sounds Is NEVER Acceptable
No moans. No grunts. No sighs. No satisfying sounds what-so-ever. Just step in front of the urinal, and get to the point. If you are behind closed stall-doors, then exceptions can be made. But, if you are holding your junk in your hands, while standing directly next to another man, you should NEVER make these bodily-noises! Ever.

8. Everybody Farts, Nobody Acknowledges Farts
If you happen to fart during urination, do not look around to see if anybody heard it. Chances are they already know it was you, and chances are, they’ve done it too. Just pretend like it didn’t happen and go about your business.

9. Flush It. Only If You’re Brave
Flushing is NOT always necessary. Mainly because nobody wants to touch a handle that other people touch directly after they were holding their junk. However, if there is a strong aroma of urine or a dark shade of yellow-orange, flushing may be a necessity. On the other hand, washing your hands is an ABSOLUTELY necessary! Don’t be lazy. Spend the 30 seconds to sanitize your hands. Because we all touch the same door handle on the way out.

10. Shake it, Don’t Spray It
When you shake it off, make sure drops of urine do NOT get all over you or the floor. It’s a bad idea to shake wildly, due to the mystery of where it will land. Nobody wants to step in it, and drops of urine on your pants or shirt may prove to be quite embarrassing. Shake with care, especially if the person in the next urinal is wearing brand new Air Jordans… Bottom Line - Just remember to shake with care.

11. No Cell-Phones Allowed!
We have established that talking to other patrons in a bathroom is never allowed. Ever! This also applies to those on your cellphone. Cell Phone conversations ruin the whole urinal experience, for you and everybody else around you. Honestly, one of the main reasons I leave for the bathroom is to get away from the noise. To get away from the constant chatter, and spend a few moment of peace with just me and my penis. I don’t want to hear your mindless drunk dialing.

12. Leave Your Beer Behind
Don’t take your drink into the bathroom. I understand that sometimes it’s necessary, depending on the venue in which you are drinking. But, Urinal germs can float in the air. And when I say Urinal germs, I mean some strange man just took a piss right where you are taking a sip from your beer. Why would you bring your tasty beverage into that area? You should ONLY take your beer in front of a urinal, is when it’s absolutely necessary! And you do so AT YOUR OWN RISK! (yes, this includes bottled-drinks)


Struggler said...

Ah, this made me laugh! I just read it to Beloved Husband too. He was particularly in agreement with the no cell-phone rule!

Bdubba said...

My hubby has explained these to me before I found them in print. The buffer urinal - HA!